Monday, April 12, 2010

Lost Lands


During the great quest for purpose, we came across the greatest obstacle of all. We found a mirror, and in the mirror we saw a broken reflection...the mirror was whole; the distortion lay in our being.

The obstacle turned us away from our destiny, like homing pigeons drowning at sea during the storm of revelation. The endless spiral of self-assessment screams out at you, like a perverse jury of sadomasochistic fiends. When do we start to realize that the long walk into the desert of desolation has left us broken and alone.

The time hallowed corridors of inevitability are adorned with the nameless, faceless portraits of those who've tried and failed and faded away to nothing. The choices we percieve are circular mazes which bring us back to the road we were meant to tread. Our feet do not seek the other road. The lamb does not live in the shadow of the wolf; the lamb lives in fear of it.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The pursuit of happiness


I am an over-achiever. Not a statement of arrogance, as I'm usually expected to do, but more of a statement of fact.I'm 27, and I'm a computer graduate with honors from one of India's toughest and highest ranked institutions for engineering. I am one of the fastest growing employee's in my company, with a package to boot. I am the creator of a framework in my domain, which people with many more years of experience are still struggling to grapple with and my company is trying to patent. I am learning the hindustani classical flute; I do charcoal shadings; I play almost every sport there is; I've read so many books that I lost count long ago; I've done part-time jobs to support my extravagant lifestyle; I've seen more countries and met more CxOs than most people will do in their lifetimes; I've been an international guest speaker at conferences; I've done charity work; I've been to jail for my folks; I'm a group sports captain and an organizer for many of my company's events; I'm a dramatist and an actor; I'm a published poet.

And in the eyes of the people closest to me, I'm a failure.

Everyday is one more chance for me to disappoint the people around me. I struggle with the paradox of not living my own life. Why should any part of my life not be dedicated to my happiness? For currently, my family considers me an alcoholic; extended family has mostly excommunicated me; I am neither a good friend nor am I a good enemy; I am the last thing some people want in their lives; I am a disappointment to my mom and dad; I am not happy inside myself; I am still lost in trying to understand who I am and what I want to do in life.

There is so much of hatred in my life, and so much of resentment, that I fail to understand why I put up with anything. There is a side of me which can end all my issues in a heartbeat; and then there is a side which tends to understand that every part of my life is crucial. But I try not to get home, for home is where I hurt the most. I want to get along with everyone I know. But I can't. I try, but I fail. I love failing, for failing is what made me who I am. Fearless. Reckless. Strong. Honorable. I know I haven't tried unless I fail once. It's important to fail. Failure doesn't build character - it reveals it. Or so I believe. I've lived my life better than most. I don't give in to temptations, I don't cheat people, I've loved with all my heart, I've never given in to drugs, I've respected my culture and my elders - and I've got nothing to show for it but some grief and a whole lotta disappointment.

Day in and day out, there is a never-ending cycle of "prove yourself, or hide yourself". My parents never encouraged me to do anything. They didn't support anything I've tried to do, from school day extra-curriculars to working-day initiatives. I fight through negativity every single day of my life. Supporters are rare and far between. I've rarely heard anyone say anything which makes me feel good about anything. But I'm an extremely positive person. When shit pushes me to the wall, I turn around and say fuck 'em all. I couldn't give a flying fuck about the way people dictate my life to me. In this direction, all us failures do is read motivational stuff. My favorites are outlined below:

Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. – Robert F. Kennedy

Success builds character, failure reveals it - Dave Checkett

And my personal favorite of all time:

I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. – Michael Jordan