Illuminati

Tested in Fire, Born of Steel

2010-10-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the latest Adidas cricket ad. I loved the words, and tried to make a few of my own.

The walls just keep getting bigger,

The crowd is yelling, mocking, daring,

Spotlights bear down like an angry sun,

My body screams of pain and sacrifice,

While the heart and mind are numb to all,

Pressure only increases, the rewards decrease,

Voices of support die away like an echo,

Taunts and failures become my shadow,

And just when reason is about to die -

I'm going to stand up one more time,

To shine forth and eclipse the sun,

To bear down and silence the roar,

In this moment, at this place, I am invincible

The Sapphire Wind

2010-10-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

Today is another sweep down the eternal corridors of a never-ending spiral. The fanciful flights of birds break the dawn, and yet the birds are an after-blur set against the cold light of an alien moon. Here we belong, and here we remain. Even though the air that seeps through the puerile soil reminds us that suffocation is a mercy, we smile through the dark curtains of our own facades. The waves of our dreams and desires break upon a shore of our steadfast morals and sure-footed assumptions. Like dolphins we prance, little realizing our flights of freedom were confined to a plastic bowl for the amusement of the masses. Dance, they scream - and we do. Little aware that they dictated our actions.

Like puppets on an infinite string the minions fight, over Gods and Demons, over Love and Hate, over what we've already forgotten. All in all, the stardust seems to have broken down over and over till all thats left is mud. The endless crowd of insomniacs soar into the world of broken awareness. Vivid in the monochromatic shades of opportunity, the colors fade into a shapeless, formless amalgamation of constancy. The innocent laughter of children echo through the malignant walls of the abyss. The populace crawls within the belly of progress, churning and turning with the movement of insidious constellations. Some remain on the precipice, the sapphire winds blowing through raven locks. The final step to all the others that need to be walked remains hidden and locked away in a fortress of fear.

Woods that spoke

2010-09-18T05:41:00.000-07:00

We walked on in woods that spoke,

Of lost dreams and shattered hopes,

In the rain of the last light of a dying sky,

Forever judged by silent eyes,

And yet when we slept, we marched on,

The purpose colored in vermilion,

And still we gave our eyes to see,

A glimpse of our Utopian insanity,

Where every success is steeped in loss,

The singular bite of a million faults,

The future cried a mother's sigh,

As still-born, we all arrived,

But yet we listen in the heat of anticipation,

For the breath of our own salvation,

And in yearning all faces turn to behold,

The silent bell, resplendent in gold,

But hark, this bell does not ring,

And tonight, no Myna sings,

For here and now we begin to walk,

And yet another day is lost in thought,

Eternally judged and found wanting,

Our backs are turned to the world taunting,

And we find our way into an absolute truth,

When you live for someone, your life bears fruit...

And time stood still

2010-09-18T05:14:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, we stop as the world speeds on by. Through the incomprehensible blur of the constant landscape and the streaks left behind by the ghosts of memories, we slow down and breathe. In that moment, clarity becomes a beacon we cannot ignore, and through the gray haze of confusion, the future begins to form.

I wish we knew how to switch off our "Auto-Pilot" feature. We tend to become comfortable, averse to risk, rigid in mind and broken in spirit and we forget that sometimes risk becomes a key to a lock that we had forgotten about. How can we justify our complacence in a world where wonders never cease? But then we keep marching on, like mindless drones to the sound of a piper whose pipes were broken a long time ago. The music that leads us on is abhorrent to our ears, but the comfort we gain from numbers advises us to forgo the cacophony and believe in the merits of conformance. Through rain and hail and smiles and pain, we march on while always losing something intrinsic and beautiful along the way.

I was looking through the Facebook profile of one of my school-time buddies. He's married to the love of his life, and now with a child to herald a future of promise. Surrounded by friends and family. The best part about his profile was that he took a picture of every moment of his life. I was going through his albums, and it left me thinking about how blessed his life is. The pictures bound me to the screen, each picture another chapter in his story, rather their story. And it made me smile a little. Simultaneously, it also made regret how I've never wanted to be in photos.

40 years from now, I would have almost nothing to remind me of how much I've lived. I hope my mind will hold these memories in a chest which I will dust off then. Though I might have seen quite a bit of the world, I do not keep souvenirs. I maintain that I will return whenever I want to. But there are things which I want to cherish and there are times which I can never return to, and these are the hardest currency of all. For having gained it, I would never trade it - but I never accept it in the first place. Recently, I took a chance on something. The chance I took was something so out of character for me, I have a hard time believing it myself. But that chance led to something incredible. My days have grown brighter and my life feels rich. I am lost without words for I really want to describe in words the sheer freedom of leaping off a cliff and learning that we all have wings. We ride on starlight, and sleep on the moon. Our words melt and flow for now we no longer need to speak, because we already know. In being we are all we will be, absolute and pristine we shine. And the genesis of this post, the picture of a man and his son, the conversation of expectation and the response of unmitigated joy and pride was conducted in a picture, without a single word visible and without a single motion comprehensible...and time stood still.

Driftwood

2010-05-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

Born into a reality that he had no hope of defining or affecting, he accepted the cruel trappings of fate. At a critical moment, he woke from a lucid dream of never-ending mazes when he chose to tread the path less chosen. On his awakening, there was clarity - and never was clarity bestowed on another so bereft of reason.

The hollowed out shell of the world he participated in screamed out in utter silence. Oh, he still had his options, but his options were too limited to be different. All in all, the beginning and the end was what he chose to perceive it as. Saddened beyond the infinite stretch of human hope, he woke that fateful morning to relish everything he had. He held what he always had in a way that lingered into eternity, his body striving to record everything like the parched desert soil absorbs the rain. Into the darkest corners of his emptiness, he let the light shine. He tenderly reached out to the promise of a future he would not behold.

With a single tear rolling down his left cheek, a symbol of the hallowed seas of fate, he stepped into the busy double-lane traffic - closing his eyes just as his feet touched the asphalt, imagining what heaven would hold for the broken...

Lost Lands

2010-04-12T00:23:00.000-07:00

During the great quest for purpose, we came across the greatest obstacle of all. We found a mirror, and in the mirror we saw a broken reflection...the mirror was whole; the distortion lay in our being.

The obstacle turned us away from our destiny, like homing pigeons drowning at sea during the storm of revelation. The endless spiral of self-assessment screams out at you, like a perverse jury of sadomasochistic fiends. When do we start to realize that the long walk into the desert of desolation has left us broken and alone.

The time hallowed corridors of inevitability are adorned with the nameless, faceless portraits of those who've tried and failed and faded away to nothing. The choices we percieve are circular mazes which bring us back to the road we were meant to tread. Our feet do not seek the other road. The lamb does not live in the shadow of the wolf; the lamb lives in fear of it.

The pursuit of happiness

2010-04-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

I am an over-achiever. Not a statement of arrogance, as I'm usually expected to do, but more of a statement of fact.I'm 27, and I'm a computer graduate with honors from one of India's toughest and highest ranked institutions for engineering. I am one of the fastest growing employee's in my company, with a package to boot. I am the creator of a framework in my domain, which people with many more years of experience are still struggling to grapple with and my company is trying to patent. I am learning the hindustani classical flute; I do charcoal shadings; I play almost every sport there is; I've read so many books that I lost count long ago; I've done part-time jobs to support my extravagant lifestyle; I've seen more countries and met more CxOs than most people will do in their lifetimes; I've been an international guest speaker at conferences; I've done charity work; I've been to jail for my folks; I'm a group sports captain and an organizer for many of my company's events; I'm a dramatist and an actor; I'm a published poet.

And in the eyes of the people closest to me, I'm a failure.

Everyday is one more chance for me to disappoint the people around me. I struggle with the paradox of not living my own life. Why should any part of my life not be dedicated to my happiness? For currently, my family considers me an alcoholic; extended family has mostly excommunicated me; I am neither a good friend nor am I a good enemy; I am the last thing some people want in their lives; I am a disappointment to my mom and dad; I am not happy inside myself; I am still lost in trying to understand who I am and what I want to do in life.

There is so much of hatred in my life, and so much of resentment, that I fail to understand why I put up with anything. There is a side of me which can end all my issues in a heartbeat; and then there is a side which tends to understand that every part of my life is crucial. But I try not to get home, for home is where I hurt the most. I want to get along with everyone I know. But I can't. I try, but I fail. I love failing, for failing is what made me who I am. Fearless. Reckless. Strong. Honorable. I know I haven't tried unless I fail once. It's important to fail. Failure doesn't build character - it reveals it. Or so I believe. I've lived my life better than most. I don't give in to temptations, I don't cheat people, I've loved with all my heart, I've never given in to drugs, I've respected my culture and my elders - and I've got nothing to show for it but some grief and a whole lotta disappointment.

Day in and day out, there is a never-ending cycle of "prove yourself, or hide yourself". My parents never encouraged me to do anything. They didn't support anything I've tried to do, from school day extra-curriculars to working-day initiatives. I fight through negativity every single day of my life. Supporters are rare and far between. I've rarely heard anyone say anything which makes me feel good about anything. But I'm an extremely positive person. When shit pushes me to the wall, I turn around and say fuck 'em all. I couldn't give a flying fuck about the way people dictate my life to me. In this direction, all us failures do is read motivational stuff. My favorites are outlined below:

Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. – Robert F. Kennedy

Success builds character, failure reveals it - Dave Checkett

And my personal favorite of all time:

I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. – Michael Jordan

The End of all promises...

2010-03-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

The End of all promises begins with the gentle sigh of doubt. A life unfulfilled starts to sound like hail on a tin roof - the ringing notes become a constant reminder of things that will never be. The echoes become the ghosts of christmas past. They begin to haunt you as you try and flee in a velvet corrider of self-loathing. The end of the corridor looms close, and then you realize that the exit loops back to the entry. The only difference is, now you're falling into an infinite pit. Glimpses of your life shoot past - those choices which would have changed your road, those people who would've meant something, those moments which you failed to treasure.

Yet, in the vortex of shattered lives you smile, and you smile, and you smile - not the hollow smile of the insane, but the knowing smile of the preternaturally wise. It was all for naught, after all. We're so caught up trying to peek behind the satin curtain of finality, we often forget that death will embrace us all for one night. She is everyones mistress, and no one's whore.

Why then like ants do we scamper trying to find meaning in a world bereft of reason. Nothing happens for a reason. In fact, nothing is all that happens here. Like lost children in an abandoned carnival, we ooh and aah at the sights we see, but we refuse to understand that the carnival died a long time ago. Its sad that the clowns are gone, and the man on the flying trapeze is no longer the star he used to be. But stars die, and back to dust they go. Stardust. I am the cumulation of this endless cycle of despair and death - and the star's dreams lie dead in the Stardust that forms my corporeal form. Long after I'm gone, my dead dreams would be hidden in someone else's body, like a man buried alive. Silent and desperate to break out. But there lies six feet of dirt between the reality and the aspiration . Where then do the screams die? In reality, there never was a scream. Only the whimpering cry of acceptance. The End of all promises begins with the gentle sigh of doubt.

Relationships are a farce...

2010-01-06T22:58:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of time to myself recently due to various reasons. During this otherwise uneventful period of clubbing, partying, meeting new people etc. something wonderful reared its head. I saw this movie recently by the name of "Into the wild". There has never been a movie that I believed in as much as this one.

Through life we see a lot of relationships - friends, family, enemies, contacts and so on. There is one underlying fact about most of these relationships.

We...always...compromise

Every sentient being enters into a relationship because there is a gain. The good relationships are the type where the gain is mutual and the bad being the one where the rewards are reaped by one and the burdens are sown into the life of the other. The thing that has always irked me is that the world doesn't work according to my time-table. When I want to stay home, people call up for a do. When I want to go out, people have got other things. When I don't want to work, customers send over a billion documents. When I want to work, there is nothing to do. There are soooo many more instances, but I think you get the picture. I know the thought is selfish, but somehow I don't really care about what anyone thinks. I have come to a realization that life seems to be like a really bad movie at times. There are the great days in between, but in general life is about doing things you really don't want to.

Why should I do anything except that which I want to? This is a question that irritates me to no end, because I know the answer. No man is an island. We need interaction. Or do we? I believe that this thought process is the result of generations of conditioning. Everyone tells us, directly or indirectly, that we need to be accepted, we need to be loved, we need to be cool or any one of a billion things that we "need" to be. I can understand that among animals, this might hold true for there is a genetic programming that tells them about safety in numbers and a chance at breeding. But I thought humans believed we were more than animals. If that holds true, then we are divine by ourselves. We do not "need" each other.

There are a billion ties that hold you down. There are tons of "must-do" things that vex and burden you. There are so many opportunities for people to hurt you or make you feel bad about something. Then of course, there is the inevitable loneliness of when someone abandon's your corner.

Why do we "need" to have relationships? I cannot think of a single reason so abject and so without any downside to support it. Time makes you think, and when you think you grow. Many a time you grow out of the current container you possess. Will everyone understand your growth? Will anyone support it?

The deception of man

2009-12-08T02:59:00.001-08:00

In every moment of our waking lives, we seek something beautiful. Beautiful cannot be described in the extremely limited perceptions of a single person, but needs to be seen from the eyes of a flock. Anything could be beautiful - art, music, sport, competition and even war. It depends purely on the perspective of the seeker. The real question which is the basis of this discussion is, why do we seek to compare?

Is it intrinsically wired into us to strive to find something in comparison to which our life is gray? Do we always need the yardstick to self-deprecate? There are a few people, and very few at that, who have found everything beautiful within themselves. The rest of us are stuck in a rut where our every attempt to appreciate ourselves end in a quest for validation; and the world does not validate, or even attempt to tip the scales in our favor.

But does that make the search futile, or does it make the object of scrutiny frivolous? Something comparable is not unique, and what is not unique is not yourself. No piece of clothing is unique, no car you drive is unique, no house you build is unique - all of these can be replicated. But how you react to a situation is probably unique. The data you processes, the choices that you realize, the motivators that drive you and the actions that you perform are truly unique. The same cannot be replicated. The situation need not be life-threatening, but might be something as simple as looking at the sun-rise. What you see in that moment and what it means or how it affects you is unique. How do we compare that which is unknown even to us?

The answer is in the question - we don't. We don't compare because we are not fully aware. When we are aware, we attempt to dissect it and rationalize. As part of the rationalization we, unknowingly, bias our judgement. The world is very different when you look through the eyes of a deserted action figure lying on the side of the road, watching the approach of a truck that will forever alter it's visage. But across the road from the perspective of a bird chirping away towards a heedless sun, the world is rich and full. Neither of them got it right.

The world is what it is, and it doesn't care how you perceive it. The world is cold to opinion. Beautiful things are a way of the world to compensate for the life you wish you had. There is nothing missing in your life but self-realization. When you know what you want, you will get it. Try it, it works. You don't need any "Who moved my cheese?" or "7 Habits of highly successful people" kind of books to tell you what you need to do. You also don't need "The Alchemist" or "The monk who sold his Ferrari" kind of books to teach you deeper thought or morality. You don't even need to read this blog to know this.

There are no shortcuts, except the kind which gives you 5 years of joy and 50 years of pain. But the joy is in the journey. If you inherited 500 million dollars and you bought a Ferrari, and another person starved for 4 years but his business finally takes off and then he buys a Toyota, which car would give its owner more pleasure? But here I digress, for the topic is still the subject of comparison.

In the end, we are what we are. Comparison is the devil, for it promises us a different path. But unknown to you, you are already treading a path with no ancillary roads. There is no junction that allows you to cross onto that other path. We have to see the road we walk on, lest the monster that awaits ahead swallow us while we are lost in a silent soliloquy about the virtues of everyone else's life.

Don't know the title, but random words do make a blog...

2009-11-29T10:30:00.000-08:00

Ever get the feeling that something big is around the corner? Like ants crawling around the bend towards a pot of honey built within an empty city? Then again, there is nothing wrong with being part of a herd. The herd is protection - protection from consequence, protection from choice, protection from change. But sometimes, there's nothing wrong with change. At the start of each day, if we choose to remember what is lost, then everything we see today becomes tainted by the drive to preserve. If we are free of inhibition, then the world is crystal clear.

There is something weird in the hollow march of tin soldiers. Further compounded by the rattle of rain on the rooftops of a shallow world. From the din of organization to the sin of information, we are doomed to follow the tracks of a mythical creature towards a goal that does not exist.

The moment of clarity is the sound of the sliver of glass cutting through a mist of human emotion. There is no right or wrong - only the judgement of myopic moments. And myopic indeed are our judgement, for who has seen beyond the next frame? But in the moment, can we make a tough call and still be without regret? For everyone who tells me they feel no regret, I see liars who choose to remain stoic or else I see cowards who've never taken a tough call. We make tough calls when we judge something valuable against something valuable. Either way, you lose. When you lose something valuable, you begrudge yourself the loss. You regret it.

No one is an island. But sometimes, we are the temple of our echoes. Vast empty spaces, where the resonance of our ideal is our sole attempt at existence. On this path, the echoes travel far and wide, but in the end the echo dies out. Nothing would remain of the echo, not even the memory. Did it in fact trigger a new sound? Did it spawn a new thought? The echo is all it is...all it will ever be.

Random words can be something better than the construct-driven will of the writer.

The effervescence of time...

2009-11-16T01:41:00.000-08:00

There was a line in the movie 'Troy' which I felt was excellent. The line goes - "The Gods envy us(mortals) because we are doomed". It was beautiful in how true it is. Personally, I do not know if the Gods do envy us mortals, but I do believe the paucity of time makes the most mundane activity special.

We hear a lot about how man cries out for one more day when death comes to claim him. But what would you do if you were granted that one more day? What would be so special about the one extra day? The only thing that would change is your perception of the world. The closer we come to the end, the more we appreciate that which we took for granted earlier. Nothing really changes, except our knowledge of time ticking away. But what if you were frozen in time. Would anything be beautiful? Would anything be worthy? Unfortunately for us humans, we never know the value of something, unless the possibility of loss looms overhead.

Does this mean that the item of endearment is empty in of itself, but the circumstance of loss makes it desirable?

Time is a fantastic thief. He steals both before his arrival and during it as well. I know of so many people who, in the grip of fear of some terminal event, neglect to see what is present and lose out on the item during the end-state as well. Time, in my mind, is a way for us to appreciate that which we wouldn't have if eternity unfurled in front of us. Time must be a creation of perception, for time is nothing but the flow between two events. One might argue about causality, but cause and effect do not always hold true.

Time is a construct for us to maintain sanity. Alternatively, time might be holding us back from some greater truth. Consider if you could move back and forth between events. There is no time, only movie frames which are slightly different. I believe you could affect your reality. I believe you could shape your future. I believe you can decide your past.

But is this so different from the way things are now? We judge ourselves to be successful or failures. We deem our childhood good or bad. We say that the future holds great promise. Is that not time travel? If you are confused, what I mean to say is that our perception defines our life. If we deem ourselves to be failures, then so we are. If we decide to make something of our lives, our futures get brighter.

Where is time in the equation? If you lived for 70 years, why beg for one more day? What would you achieve in that one more day that you haven't already done? Life is about mistakes and the joy of discovery.

Life isn't measured by how many days you live, rather it's a collage of moments that defined you.

Silence is the state of being

2009-11-11T22:20:00.000-08:00

A strange thing about people, myself included - we need to be in a state of perpetual motion for us to validate the self-deluded destiny we believe is ours. We need to have a job with defined goals. We need people in our lives to be a witness to our doings. We need friends to complement our character. But in the end, when you come back home, you are alone.

By alone, I do not mean physically. You might be married or single. You might be staying with friends or family. The concept of alone is the reality of your existence. The way you perceive your individuality. By definition, you are an individual because you are unique. There is only one "you". And as a singularity, you will always be alone. No one knows you better than yourself. No one hates or loves you as much as yourself. In this impassable void of differences, are you comfortable? Is your sense of being so complete that in the silence of oblivion you find peace?

When I'm alone, I find I retrospect. My mind races through the images and sounds I saw that day. I challenge my choices and find my failings. But this is not a conscious process. This self-actualization happens in a moment of silence. With or without my express permission.

But I wonder, as a species of animal, is this need for self-validation an inherent instinct or is it the effect of continual conditioning by the viral waves of society? Is the need for purpose an unnatural evolution of the mind or is it a natural by-product of a thinking conscious? Do we need to make choices to be alive, or is it the facilitator of the illusion that we are more than stardust in an infinite universe?

When I think about the scale of things, I wonder what I affect by my actions. Does the rules of chaos theory extend to the outermost fringes of space and consciousness? Does the beating of the butterfly's wings create the apocryphal hurricane at the polar opposite?

Recently, I've found a great sense of bliss in being alone. I am by nature an extrovert, but there is a profound serenity in looking inwards. The questions posed by the external world are trivial compared to the unlocked gates of deeper reasoning. My recent circumstances are not by design, but due to most of my friends travelling for extended periods. However, this time has shown me something that I always suspected.

There are worlds inside you, but these are located in a universe of silence. When the individual part of you is fine with loss of identity, only then can these worlds be traversed. For in the universe of silence, sound is an abhorrent thing. The ego is a cancer, and the individual is unnatural. This world slips into the chimera that is the world we see and breathe. Yet, in the hustle and bustle for the next raise, the next promotion, we hardly find time to save ourselves from becoming a machinist of life.

The inadequacy of the human condition

2009-11-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

Recently, a friend of mine gave up on something he was determined to succeed in. It was irritating to me since I was a witness to the triumph of the circumstance over the individual. Even more irritating was the fact that he was so close to victory, but he needed to hold on; he needed to persevere.

I am at a complete loss when I am faced with the prospect of defeat; and because of this weakness, I consciously try to not recognize the consequences of my decisions. I believe in taking life as it comes, one day at a time. But today is an opportunity that will never present itself again. So why let go of a free gift? A day is only 24 hours long. We can skip days in heartbeats if we choose to not notice how each day crawls on by. I do not understand the reason for surrender - its just not beneficial whichever way you look at it. Failure is acceptable, but when we give up we have lost all the days, the present included, where we have striven for something.

But maybe it's something intrinsic. As an animal, we are hardwired to avoid situations where we will be at a loss. This is the single seed of the of human intelligence. The progenitor of need and the father of desire. In anticipation of an empty future, the fruits of the present would seem bitter and sour. But the attempt is it's own reward.

The attempt is the reach for glory. The attempt is proof positive that you are a thinking, living human being. Conscious thought, that which separates us from baser animals, is the ability to merge a known situation with intangible items like hope. The belief that the river will suddenly change it's course without a predetermined pointer to such an event. This is what makes an entrepreneur, this is what makes a leader, this is what makes a visionary - the ability to not only see things as they are, but the flexibility to perceive things as they might be.

In life, almost everyone tells you it can't be done. Almost everyone convinces you that things are fine as they are. The circumstances begin to increase the weight on our shoulder, till we become Atlas and balance the world on our backs. The night does seem darkest before the dawn. If we spent our lives listening to what we "should be" or what we "should do", then we become nothing more than a statistic. Another number or name against a birth certificate, matriculation certificate, proof of employment and a death certificate. Is your life defined by your certificates? Are we another entry in a database of irrelevant facts? Are we predestined to be another face in the crowd, another brick in the wall?

As a race, we seem determined to reduce the individual to a member of a herd. The reasons for this might be numerous, but there is a fantastic line I heard in coach Carter, and it goes as below:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone."

The Ding : Ding Aling has his Review

2009-10-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

Demon Dog

2009-10-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

Yup, this post is about Axel. The once cute and helpless little pup has grown into a veritable demon dog today. Guess his favorite game? If you said, chase down the powerless human maggots and take a bite out of them, well then you guessed right!!!

He means no harm...I guess its the way I'm raising the fellow. Axel has a strong animal streak running deep within, or just under the layer. It depends on how much of the animal Axel sees in you. One of my new games is to come in real close and look him in the eye.

To a dog, staring them in the eye is a sign of aggression...and there's a good chance the dog will lunge at you. Now, Axel is a sweetheart but he will rise to the challenge. There have been a few instances where he almost got my eye when we were playing at wrestling. Here's a snapshot of what one bite from Axel can do...

Then again, I like him to be this way. I believe that an animal is always so much more honest than a human. There is a purity to its actions, a freedom which most of us have forgotten. Axel bites when he wants to, he plays when he wants to and when he licks you, its because he loves you. It's as simple as that. There are no hidden strings or ulterior motives. It's always true. For the most part, I have lost faith in human beings. There is something so artificial about all of us. There is a very real part of us that has been lost and all that remains is an acerbic imitation.

Know what I hate above all?

2009-10-08T04:33:00.000-07:00

I hate posers. I hate people who just cannot accept who they are. Maybe I overreact to things, but posers irk me. I believe that whatever your shortcoming, the method of getting better begins with understanding who we are and where we are at this moment. Can you, at the moment of reading this post, stand up right now(wherever you are) and shout your name? Will you go to bed tonight feeling everything went right today? Will you search for yourself in others?

I know people in my life who fall at extreme ends of the human scale. I know people who have battled incredible odds to be the successful people they are today and on the other end I know the whiners who have everything they need except the will and self-discipline to achieve something.

I know people who've refused to give up in the face of unsurmountable odds, and I know people who fail before they've begun. There are people who had no potential and no hope, but they are far happier people today because they tried...and true to human behavior, when they found a boundary (i.e. their limit), they pushed at it and succeeded. We can never overcome what we do not know. We can never defeat that which we do not challenge. We can never be anyone more than who we choose to be. Adversity brings out the best in some of us and breaks the rest of us.

In the face of our greatest fear, some of us find how noble we truly are, even if we never knew it ourselves and then there are those that choose to let the fear rule their lives. It is in the attempt for glory that we fall apart at our seams, and that which is inside us comes to light. In some of us, that which is inside is so much brighter than the dull confines of the human condition and in some of us we find the hubris, the arrogance, the darkness, the fear and the failure that define the human species.

I hate people who don't believe. They are already dead to everything there is in the world. These are the voices that tell you something is impossible. These are the people who have never tried and want to discourage something unique in you. These are the people who know the cost of everything, but not the value of anything. These are the people who have forgotten how to dream. They need people to tell them what to do, why it needs to be done and how to do it. There is no inner voice, no destiny for these people except to dance to the bidding of people who need no guidance.

I hate injustice. I hate the strong oppressing the weak. I hate the attempt to subjugate those who mean you no harm. I hate the man who beats a dog for no reason other than his perverse pleasure. I cannot abide by the rantings of the social police, hoodlums who beat the law-abiding citizen into submission, the drunk husbands of our glorious nation, the corrupt bureaucrats and in some situations, the shackles of society. Where do we get off standing tall among 50 when there is a single opponent who will not bow down? I cannot, and I will not, be among the silent mindless horde.

The manifesto of the human being is a work in progress. But the vision is clear -

"Stay the course. In the face of temptation and fear, failure and rejection, horror and disappointment, stay the course."

Prayer to the living

2009-09-17T05:10:00.001-07:00

In the depths of despair I wallowed,
Grasping for mercy, gasping for breath,
Into the rigid truth of certainty I fled,
A specter of the man I was to become,

In the depths of my agony I felt,
The hand of purpose upon my breath,
And in the moment of a Higher Calling,
My fears aside were swept,

Oh glorious seconds, how I counted,
What seemed like eternity now a moment,
And in that crystal purity of life,
I yearned to remember, I learned to forget,

Look beyond tomorrow, the legacy should remain,
For purpose, for justice, beyond my name,
A shadow, an imprint that I once lived,
My gift to the child with eyes unopened yet,

The colors of the world leapt out at me,
The sounds of joy sang in crystal clarity,
In that second of euphoria I saw,
More to life than death's gaping maw,

How blind we are to what we have,
How lost in our own deceptions,
In the velvet hands of sorrow,
We carve our own assumptions,

Oh child of man, how I long to be you,
To have a wife, to be borne a child,
To grow old to see your dreams take flight,
To see in you, the hopes of tomorrow,

Though I shall be interred young in years,
Each day would be spent as ten,
I beseech the living to witness,
Your pain, your sorrow, is not your end...

Memory

2009-09-17T05:09:00.001-07:00

You become the single teardrop,
In the final moments of flame,
And the world is lost in darkness,
But I still remember your name...

You become the final sorrow,
In an era of numbing pain,
Forever, I roam haunted by memories,
But I still remember your name...

You become the loss of purpose,
The swift death of a nameless dream,
In the solitude of the oceans,
But I still remember your name...

You were and always will be,
My measure of lifetimes gone by,
I barely remember the glimmer of hope,
But I still remember your name...

Path

2009-09-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

Rippling through the air blood-hallowed,
The screams ringing though the night's shadow,
Come forth and try to take from me,
Brethren of my closest insanity,

For I will not crumble before this light,
And your threats don't blur my sight,
I see before me glory, and behind me honour,
While you slink and within yourself cower,

The pain would be an illusion of mine,
And the sword would define my time,
The rumble of thunder, muted by silence,
The edge of reason, promise of violence,

Tomorrow would be an admission of shame,
For today the battle remains the same,
As wave after wave of nameless foes,
Lie cut down on my path of gold,

Where would you hide when the shade is gone,
And among corpses, you walk alone,
But where on this path is your victory,
For all I see is shades of eternity...

Alkali Smile

2009-09-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

On a silent beck I wish to ride,
Through the middle of this life,
In these moments of divine loss,
On the memory of your Alkali smile,

The searing acid of your eyes,
In sight I'm forlorn,
For in silence do we find,
These cyrstal whispers torn,

Momentary lapses on a winged dream,
Insurrect into me this burn,
As we watch the waves recede,
In this shifted phase we turn,

And at the end of this rotation,
All that my vision seeks to find,
Is that I found you standing near,
A few seconds before the world went blind...

Undone

2009-09-17T04:54:00.001-07:00

Now he stands, frozen before the fall,
In the moment of its final ascent,
Trembling in the wake of the dark crawl,
The screaming masses reek of dissent,

The dark royalty runs deep in blood,
And the blade still remains his glory,
In crystal dreams of breathing mud,
He watches the metamorphises of the awry,

Yea, what battle is won beneath the hill,
But the dictat is to return with gold,
With tired spirits and broken will,
But nay, their souls aren't yet sold,

But he stands, him the solitary,
For the pit stares back at him now,
The vortex of the twisted story,
As the slithering beasts begin to howl,

And yet in that darkest hour,
When the hand of the Devil was lent,
Within himself, he found a tower,
And from it, his quivering spirit lept...

Shadowed Blinds

2009-09-17T04:51:00.001-07:00

Shadowed blinds hide the light,
Memories linger still in silence,
In this room, I knew by night,
Sleep uninterrupted by my presence,

Beneath these warm covers you lay,
As I sit watching beside the fire,
The vision of a brand new day,
And lose myself in your hair,

Sounds of your delicate breath,
Bid me near in anticipation,
Of all the forgotten moments lost,
Bliss was this tortured seduction,

A needle apart, a world twixt,
The gaping hollow of this void,
As I reach beyond my means,
Betrayed by time,destiny foiled,

Sleep broken, your eyes raise to me,
The phone rings, still locked on me you attend,
Your smile angelic could set me free,
"Ma'am, your husband has had an accident..."

Slipping

2009-09-17T04:46:00.002-07:00

Mocking me, mocking me,
As the blade falls silently,
Lady, won't you stay with me,
As I begin to fade away,

In this place, in this time,
As I see the paths entwine,
All leading me fervently,
To the end of my dismay,

Rainy skies, silent cries,
As the vision leaves my glossy eyes,
And the color recedes,it leaves behind,
The monocrome ash will stay,

Single lies, multiple highs,
Dreams and hopes twitter like flies,
Dangling the alternate of what can be,
Too late, on this last day...

Silicon Alley

2009-09-17T04:46:00.001-07:00

Infested, I rot within my flesh,
Unseen hands buried in the heart of me,
As putrid words spew out from within my mouth,
The poison of my thoughts defile free,

Ah, carcass more divine are you,
In your putrefaction more grace,
Than in the mundane days of life,
Like fish circling in a bowl to race,

Dead are mine eyes to this sight,
The tongue serves to taste the poison,
In all of damnation I beseech, I thirst,
Is there more wretched a creation,

Droplets of my dark blood coagulate,
And form a cocoon in which to nest,
As I dream within this festered mind,
Of a soul I sought to invest,

The hive gorges from inside me,
Shining wings emerge from beneath,
Through this empty shell they burst,
In a cascade of bone and heat,

Into the world, into another,
These ideals begin to mould,
The infection begin to grow,
As in another mind, darkness take hold...

Shiver

2009-09-17T04:00:00.001-07:00

Shiver, the rain feels like fire,
From within, the burns sooth,
When ice becomes your layer,
And the free air becomes your tomb,

Exploding color in the artic skies,
Matches lit by the hidden hand,
Dreams are borne within grey eyes,
As the tides turn to land,

Cryptic whispers in the silken wind,
Answers bellowed beneath the floor,
Stolen hopes ride upon golden wings,
And the silent realm begins to roar,

Spiral twists of shimmering tears,
Forever lost,now forever found,
The child whimpers his hidden fears,
The inner voice now leather bound...

Segregate

2009-09-17T03:57:00.000-07:00

Opaque, the light does not shine here,
The liquid gold of a crimean fear,
As the wives moan their single loss,
The raging sea deemed fit to pause,

Froth gathered at the edge of the cloud,
And yet the soldier marched on proud,
Endless armies lost and forgotten,
The fruits of their labour lay rotten,

Hark, the ashen cry to end all others,
The death knell of two distant brothers,
The spear sing their rhythm in tune,
While blackened hearts doth not honour exhume,

Enter the realm of the lost beat,
Aspiring hands that melt in the heat,
The feet grow weary of this toil,
As what began now returns to soil...

Thirst

2009-09-17T03:55:00.000-07:00

Under the shade of a crimson moon,
The darkness lends the shroud,
Immortal anguish hence entombed,
Writhing within this mortal proud,

Through the acid rain, he stumbles,
Scarlet eyes still fixed upon a vision,
As the ground beneath him crumbles,
Witness the birth of silent aggression,

Within the chasm of eternal night,
Actions of the deranged have little weight,
For is not the doom enshrined in light,
And the damned, a twist of fate,

The chase was over before it began,
For will of the beast ran strong,
Man inside is a lesser man,
And knows little of right and wrong...

Middle

2009-09-17T03:54:00.000-07:00

Crumbling away like the final fort,
We run in the footsteps of another,
Perilous is the way we sought,
As we advance on the carcass of our brother,

And in beasts we find men,
And in man the most vile beast,
The yellowed tomb remains as then,
And a hundred mouths begin the feast,

In the solace of harmony we sleep,
Harmony in the mundane, and the blind,
Forgo this moment, for the darkness creeps,
And in our safe abodes,us He will find,

The sirens of death, they sing and call for her,
The mist begins to gather, the wolf grins,
The huddle of humanity draws closer,
As each one revisits his sins...

Elevate

2009-09-17T03:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes she seems near,
Frigid breath on my back,
As she holds me in her hands,
I feel the end as the world fades to black,

And in the swoon she caresses my corpse,
In a false moment of shattered hopes,
As I begin my descent into sin,
She stays by me, as I enter within,

And in this shallow facade I swim,
Water in my veins, my blood runs thin,
As I dissolve into this stream,
She wades in as I silently scream,

Every drop of me, on every inch of her,
As her smooth skin turns into fur,
The red in my eyes now focus inside,
And see betwixt this flesh I hide,

Another me, a shadow of a requeim,
A million stars, the cosmic sequence,
The memory fades, and the world sedates,
Even my wings forget how to elevate...

Absinthe Still

2009-09-17T03:51:00.001-07:00

Liquid, like drops of an Angel's tears,
Fade me into the darkness inside,
As I learn to walk unaided,
Help me to curl up and die,

And embrace this soul in the hollow,
As the pain begins to bleed,
These moments remain swallowed,
As I begin to know the memories I feel,

Black, these hands that remain so,
Overcast skies cannot define,
The pitch river that still flows,
Through my abhorrent,infinite mind,

Time passes by through scarlet eyes,
The dancing lady lays dead,
Demons begin their hallowed cries,
I look for salvation, for my monster is fed...

Daddy's Girl

2009-09-17T03:48:00.000-07:00

Sits in her corner, reads to her friend,
Silky white gown, flowers on her head,

Mud stained frills, blood on her lip,
Stumbling she stands, hands to her hip,

Broken is innocence, lost in her eyes,
Silent as the screams, she holds inside,

Her skin still torn, from joyous yesterday,
Though she ran, she still seemed to stay,

The scent of the alcohol wraps her still,
Holds her engulfed in soft,warm chills,

Through pearlescent tears she breaks,
Subtle hints of a future she'll love to hate,

And turns to her friend and says,"Why did father do this?"
Her corpse stays silent, locked in deaths kiss...

Shatter

2009-09-17T03:46:00.002-07:00

Shattering me, like a mirror,
And now this reflection fades,
The moment passes you by,
Always one second too late,

The sky remains its pristine tint,
But my eyes have lost its sight,
I try to remember my religion,
Although I fear it inside,

This hand that controls my body,
A puppet in its invisible grasp,
Fear and Ego are my companions,
As I march forever on this path,

And in spirals I begin to end,
The smiles of yesterday haunt,
As the iron will yields and bends,
The demon within regains its hold,

Tomorrow is just another yesterday,
And today is a lifetime gone,
The choice is nothing but a singular way,
And the man walks alone..

Hope

2009-09-17T03:46:00.001-07:00

And when first I look into your eyes,
Lose myself in your fingers wrapped around mine,
And glory in your first smile,
I hope this world treats you right,

And I hope you find your doors open,
I hope your dreams live on forever,
And through your eyes, I would see,
The world that became a part of me,

And I hope you feel no sorrow,
I hope no-one takes away your stride,
As you spread your wings and fly,
Silently, I wish to watch through the night,

And I hope you find true love,
I hope your heart never learns to bleed,
And pride is in your every step,
And your joy be all I need,

And I hope you have all that I never got,
I hope you find peace within,
As someday you might remember me,
And see me beside you, walking...

Ordinary

2009-09-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

Simple sights in a velvet sky,
The azure blue of a baby's eyes,
And everything just seems to be,
Another chapter of the ordinary,

Silent flutter of viscous wings,
Reasons burnt upon life's sink,
She approaches with her steady stride,
We stand alone, so ordinary,

Hazel breath and timeless smiles,
A moment of ascent into an infinite sky,
A purpose in an empty life,
Now she seems so ordinary,

Swim in the ocean of childish hope,
As life clings on by a brittle rope,
And the Archangel in my sight,
Turns away and sighs...So ordinary...

Throw away...

2009-09-17T03:36:00.000-07:00

Hold on to the broken dolls,
And cry for the falling glass,
The mirror stands shattered now,
As the green fades from the past,

Every corner ends where it began,
The streets stay crowded with echos,
Moments flitter like fireflies,
Radiance shimmering in the shadows,

Solace is the burnt tree,
The fire deemed fit to consume,
Solitude within a screaming mind,
Freedom becomes a noxious fume,

Freeze within and break like ice,
In the broken shards is release,
And throw away these shallow lies,
And in an ocean of pain, find peace...

Nation of the weak

2009-09-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

Deep, this cave we deign to live in,
Stretched out over like human skin,
These moments slip by like liquid sand,
As we let go of outstreched hands,
And drown within our limpid world,
Ineffective thoughts, sterile words,
Nor do we hurt enough to feel,
Or on feeling, know what's real,
Helplessly watch life pass us by,
Numb, we don't even stop to cry,
Motion begins and ends where it starts,
And muffled are the cries of broken hearts,
The tears dry upon the unwashed cheeks,
Of a nation of pain and the silent weak,
Waiting, in shadows we begin to dwell,
As the shadows become us, and we become hell...

Where

2009-09-17T00:24:00.001-07:00

Everlasting, frost on the sill of my life,
Meaning escapes in a cloud of mist,
Across the banks I see red lights,
I raise my hand to obscure the shine,
But this bog weighs down my reason,
I feel the end, like another moment lost,
I long for sorrowful tears, but dust coats my eyes,
To be a lark in spring again, I wonder,
And flood my inside with the warmth,
Yet another song that died on my lips,
Another word that got lost in my hands,
To touch a petal, to partake of water,
The memory remains, the mind locked,
Golden keys shine in my being,
But I'm six feet under...

Ribbons

2009-09-17T00:23:00.001-07:00

Ribbons floating by in the stream,
Twisting in the ethereal,
Morbid fantasies of vicious dreams,
As hope tries to steal,

The truth from your eyes,
For will not the ribbon drown,
Through the softest sighs,
Simplicity is still profound,

And yet the fight is fought,
Through the endless agony,
While the reason is sought,
To overcome dark misery,

The reason is obscure,
The screams are not,
The odds are heaven,
And the reward is rot...

The question remains the answer

2009-09-17T00:22:00.001-07:00

Ask the questions to a stolen sky,
Reason bereft from the Angel's sigh,
As everything that was, now fades away,
The vermillion painting shaded in gray,

The simple ebb of the human tide,
Feeble grasps on the ignorant night,
Dawn, the reflection of a broken mirror,
The dusk gifts the darkest shiver,

Fleeting snow now covers the eye,
The mask of pretense, ripped free,
Golden thoughts now shamelessly disguised,
Every last bridge now burnt from inside,

The road to nowhere leads to home,
As the means to freedom, is none,
The questions remain the answer,
The answers wither within its tower...

Silver

2009-09-17T00:20:00.000-07:00

Silver rays of the crescent moon,
Fill the auburn haze that surrounds,
Perishing in the warmth of light,
Moments trickle through the nascent ground,

Silver beams of supple dreams,
Shine through the darkness of your sound,
Flights of glory eternally,
Through thirst, for answers bound,

Silver droplets of a higher stand,
As the vision begins to fade,
The revelation is its own demand,
Final partings the farewells bade,

Silver seams of the shroud,
Vixens mourn the birth of death,
Chaste destiny looks on proud,
As silver fades to dirt...

Transgression

2009-09-17T00:19:00.000-07:00

Filial transgressions of the nubile mind,
Opened like the gates to Erebrus,
Singing on the road less travelled,
In violent shades of crimson lust,
Twixt this and that, a new door opens,
A loss of direction in a broken tryst,
Footsteps resound in empty halls,
As crystalline figures form from mist,
Chaos reigns as the child of Order,
Light is hollow without the dark,
Swinging on sweet sanity's border,
Holding her face in a shallow heart,
Left dancing beneath a broken sky,
Holding a red scarf in both hands,
The nexus, your crossroads beckon,
Now in the swoon of ludicrous demands,
Fade away the color of the soil,
Begin the rebirth to a higher plane,
Moments and centuries tick as one,
As everything new remains the same...

Harvest

2009-09-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

Feelings stacked in cold storage,
Packed meat on the shelves of a soul,
Would you ever know whats strange,
If the strange was your world,
And moments of illusions flitter by,
Butterflies of a dead spring,
Broken leaves shimmering behind a mirror sky,
Shaded sunlight glinting on the eagle's wing,
The velvetine waters caress the dirt,
Molding the shaped into the faded,
And the colored blankness of the burnt,
Beauty in its conformance, sterile,
Now meant to rise to the ground,
Softness engraved in its skin, puerile,
Purple fairies dance before blue eyes,
Wild, hypnotic under the harvest moon...

Absinthe

2009-09-17T00:17:00.000-07:00

Rising moon shining,
Over still rivers of cherry red,
Which is the symbol?

Sound of the sin,
Rippling through an empty conscious,
Where does it end?

Lips form the smile,
The eye saw the reason,
Who connects them?

Jasmine scented hair,
Swans fly in nameless grace,
Temporal beauty?

Mind sways fast,
Like reeds in a pond,
Which is to blame?

The past decays

2009-09-17T00:16:00.001-07:00

Nightingale, black,shimmering,fly,
Into the pristine crystal sky,
Sing a song for the lost tonight,
Of castles,dragons and heroic fights,
Of a quest for newfound glory,
Of the start of the never-ending story,
Bubbling streams and rivers ply,
In the ocean they share their plight,
Unique in the moment of their source,
Overwhelmed by their uniting force,
Forgotten lay their weeping banks,
Of a love lost amidst their sands,
The past a caress of liquid hands,
Motion alone of the tireless band,
Hearken the groan of the heart,
Beats to fulfill a golden start,
In each moment of its strife,
Knowing that each beat ends its life,
Yet hammers on like soldiers of old,
Marching through the tireless cold,
And in its moment of divine test,
It dies, but it deserves its rest...

Birth of an Ideal

2009-09-17T00:14:00.000-07:00

Skies remain overcast with the decision,
Personal demons voice their satisfaction,
Internal turmoil, like the oceans of transition,
As I float on these winds of aggression,
Breathe down my throat your wretched breath,
And feel the coming of a violent death,
Your temporal spaces do not define,
The infinite vastness of my mind,
Holding me in a cage will not erase,
Nor would temptation forget my face,
Cutting my throat would never silence,
The words, the scream of my transcendance,
Behold, I bring the light from within,
Though darkness tries to permeate my skin,
And feel my silent thunder roll,
Between these closed eyes and my imprisoned soul,
For I seek not victory, I seek to be heard,
Watch the cancerous spread of my words,
Feel the throb of your failed mission,
Before the all-shattering sight of my vision,
The ideas that you sought to find,
now lay in my hands, enshrined,
And as you begin to walk away,
Stop, and smell the dawn of my new day...

Vivid

2009-09-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

Vivid blossoms of pink and purple,
Seperated from their source, they fell,
In the absolute silence of an empty world,
Admist heaven, visions of a softer hell,
And forgotten, they lay on the ground,
Till the recall, of whence they came,
Dissolving into the terrestrial cloud,
Till all color merged to become the same,
Now a pedestal, then a bubbling stream,
Fear becomes the mutation of the dream,
Glory played her silent hand and tempted,
A rise to a higher source, attempted,
And where do they go within the void,
These vivid blossoms of pink and purple...

In the dead of night

2009-09-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

Kiss me again with your velvet lips,
And let not life pull me back this time,
I wish to be lost as my memory slips,
Forgiveness oh mistress, of all my crimes,
Redemption is the fruit of thy laughter,
Solace do I find in thine coy smile,
And the sins of my past seem farther,
Drink from me, and take it all,
Watch my images in the crimson river,
My memories, my love, my soul,
Seen through the effervescent sliver,
The forsaken tomb of my flight,
Gliding away on crystalline wings,
Glimmering in the tangerine skies,
And thus I raise my eyes to see,
Your face, a beacon of false hope,
Yet I press your velvet skin to me,
And around my neck this rope…

Offering

2009-09-17T00:11:00.000-07:00

Degenerate, I watch as my form fades,
And turns into the stench of hate,
Absorb into me the immortal fluid,
Black serum drawn from the form limpid,
And the abyss of the demon now gapes open,
Staring forth with pupils golden,
Lust, my Son, and turn to me,
I scream, I kill in a paroxysm of glee,
As I watch the offal fall before my feet,
Offerings to a Dark God, the human meat,
Render the flesh obsolete, as I rip through,
And divide the Father and Son in two,
Now pray mortal, for none will heed,
Nor do I have to answer for my heinous deeds,
As you fall for mercy on folded knees,
I render the madness, my gift to thee,
Know the feel of worms beneath your skin,
And watch, in silence, the massacre of your kin,
And taste my enemy, for I share him,
End of Days, on my invincible whim,
Now as the reflection fades, you will fear,
The germination of terror, the dark atmosphere,
And from the darkness gropes the Never,
The slithering hand, the glimpse of silver…

Victory

2009-09-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

Sit still and shiver, under the icy rain,
Like broken mirrors,we shatter the disdain,
Awaken the rage, like a sparrow's flight,
Swerving,slithering ,into the night,
And into the abyss, we seem to dance,
Marking our territory,sharpening our lance,
And arrogance is the Morning Glory,
To assume all need to hear it's story,
But whimpers on like the mewl of a kitten,
Minions gather around, like maidens smitten,
Oh Glorious ruin, what hath thou for me,
Screaming in the paradox of painful ecstasy,
Every cut of mine, bleeds the enemy,
Every word of his, wounds me infernally,
Unchain the beast of hatred within,
In freedom he roars like the devil's kin,
Road to prominence, lost in a shadow,
Unnecessary was the battle to follow,
Scar and tear me, so I may show,
My medals of honor, and the illicit ego,
Drive me blindly, like a brainless spawn,
Till I stand, and cheer alone...

Justice for all

2009-09-17T00:07:00.002-07:00

Acrobats leaping into the sky,
Babies who hold their mother and cry,
And dancers screaming,"Come up and try",
Pagans screaming into my eyes,
Folds of the tent, marvelously high,
Its warm today, and justice for all...

Farmers bent over with scythes,
Cutting the wheat while the eagles fly,
Pigs they wallow, content in their sty,
Travelers by their roads do ply,
Clouds gather above, while I breathe deep and sigh,
Its going to rain, and justice for all...

Prick my eyes with thorns and make me blind,
Break my legs, and leave me behind
Throw me in the sea with both hands tied,
Cut my reason and send me into the night,
Angels weep, as the Child of Man flies,
Its already too late, and justice for all...

Evergreen

2009-09-17T00:07:00.001-07:00

If never, were my thoughts astray,
Floating forever, on a sated plate,
Waterfalls seem to take away,
The taint of human fate,
And in the green land below,
I watch as eternal rivers flow,
Into sands of endless time,
Silently,like trees in their prime,
The breeze sounds nubile chimes,
In my loneliness I smile,
In the hope of tomorrow's light,
I lay back and enjoy the night,
The winds of destiny envelop me,
In a blanket of security,
And take away my cares,
Civilization, conceptually lost,
Inside,I return to my host,
And drops of eternity await,
I'm lost now, in this faded space...

Jaded

2009-09-17T00:06:00.001-07:00

Oh sweet fruit of misery,
Into your tender flesh I bite,
And partake of the imagery,
The dissolution of light,
Folly of the forgotten fathers,
now visited upon the child,
Karma spins a web of ego,
Hatred,lust and pride,
Oh just enemy, what shall I condemn,
your spirit, your body, your villainy,
Or shall I imagine you less adept,
and see you superficially,
Through this crimson field around me,
Silent as the crowd seeks to surround me,
And fading away to yesternight,
Dreams of my own jaded plight,
And eventually, I care no more,
For I shan't be destiny's whore...

Dementia

2009-09-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

Infested,invasive,deep down persuasive,
Perverted, broken, hope isn't golden,
Words seep through the black soil of Nether,
Play with us, they sing, shining black feathers,
Invincible,pervasive, submissive, lost,
Feeding the frenzy, mouth filled with froth,
Intellect,slave, monsters crossed,
Feeling,fading, bodies tossed,
Darkened skies, lighted night,
Twisted digits,mouth is dry,
crawling under the bleeding sky,
Cries, ring, in the atmosphere,
Weighed down by love and fear,
Where, here, confused, desolate,
Save the rest,so isolate,
Beating chest,someone's heart,
not mine, not yours, but eons apart,
See through,my eyes shine,
what is mine is still mine...

Experiment

2009-09-17T00:04:00.000-07:00

The jasmine falls,
Crushed underfoot again,
Not the hoof,
By itself, within...

Faces and Places

2009-07-01T03:11:00.000-07:00

It's been some time since my last blog and the absence can be attributed to one thing and one thing only...the hectic pace of work over the last few months. But in a way, I guess it was good as it reminded me about how much I enjoy my freedom.

The last month brought a lot of new bits, which I enjoyed to the max. First off, Axel has grown

exponentially. He is literally three times larger (weighing in at a healthy 12 kilos). The little dude has also become so much more active in terms of responding to his name, some commands ("No","Sit","Slowly", doorbell, doors etc). He is also showing a bit of his protective streak by barking at people who approach me or my brother when he's on his walk. He is also bonding extremely well with other dogs, especially his best buddy Pickles!!! Pickles is this adorable labrador puppy (male) who just loves wrestling with Axel. Axel loves to show off how strong he's become and comes out strutting, but its all in good fun and Pickles does not surrender and keeps at it forever.

Oh, and Axel has a new puppy collar - with his name on his very own "Dog Tag"!!!

The next good thing was "Couch Surfing". I am, by nature, a party freak!!! I love get-togethers of good friends, and I am inherently loud. The challenge always was getting a group of like-minded people, as nothing kills a group-hang better than a joke that offends someone's sensibilities. This time around Apes took me to meet Vageesh and Jyothika at this fabulous place called "Extreme Sports Bar".

Nothing Extreme about the sports they're into except for the place itself!!! The place rocked!!! I loved the decor, I loved the feel, I loved the music and best of all, they had a pool table in the place. I knew I was going to enjoy the evening.

At the place, Vageesh got some more of his friends along - and they brough their friends along - and what a group they were!!!

I havent had so much fun in a looooonnnnnggggg time. We drank, ate, played pool, goofed around, danced and generally all hell broke loose. It was insanely fun. Word to the wise...look up couchsurfing.com. It's this really cool community for travellers, and I'm sure that if any of you move as much as some of us do, this site will rock!!!

Axel and the Art of Zen

2009-05-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

I recently entered a whole new phase in my life. I got myself a 40 day old German Shepherd pup!!! At this point, I would like to introduce you to Axel, my pup.

The decision to get a pup was triggered by factors unknown as of yet. All I know is that on 11th May, 2009, I knew I wanted a dog in the house. I was scouting around for golden retrievers before this day, but on 11th May, me and my brother Anoop did a comparison of both GSDs and Golden Retrievers and we unanimously decided on the majestic GSD.

This is one dog you do not want to mess with. As a pup, they are unbelievably cute (almost painfully so, but that I'll describe later), and once they've grown a bit they are, for want of a better word, simply majestic. Anyone could have told you that my excitement at the prospect of getting a dog was uncontrollable. I was scheduled to pick him up on Saturday, and I just couldn't wait for the damn weekend. I don't know if I've ever looked forward to the weekend as much as I did that week. The days dragged on mercilessly and I was supported admirably by Apes and Srikanth. I did tons of research on puppy care and somehow managed to hold on until Saturday.

On 16th May, 2009 (Saturday) at 11.00 am Appu, Apes, Srikanth and me ended up in Kamanahalli with Mani (Mani was the agent for the breeder). First off, he took us to see Axel's Dad, Xambo. We saw Xambo and all four of us froze in our tracks!!! He was massive!!! The breeder had brought him up pretty well, as he was quite accepting of strangers, well-behaved and regal as hell. Did I mention how big he was?

Satisfied with the dad, I told Mani to take us to the pups. This involved a 40 minute ride to some farmhouse beyond Kamanahalli (primarily because Mani rides his scooter at 40 Kmph max). When we reached the farmhouse, I took a moment to take in the area. This is what I imagined as a good environment for a puppy. Clean air, wide open spaces, trees all around...all in all, perfect.

Now as we were entering the enclosure in which the puppies were kept, I remember discussing with the others about how we'll see this litter and then go check out two other litters and blah, blah.

I stepped into the enclosure, I saw Axel and I fell in love. Simple as that...there was nothing more to say or see. He was this fat, fluffy, playful, gorgeous thing. Slightly worried about all the strangers in the room, but not scared. He was easily the pick of the litter...much bigger than the other puppies. I just stood there for 15 minutes watching him play. He was confident and dominant but not aggressive. Then he was reunited with his mommy for a brief feeding session. At this point, I was a bit sad about taking the baby away from its mommy. But he didn't flinch while I was taking him back to the car. I felt that perhaps he was a bit sad about leaving, as he kept looking towards the enclosure.

The next two days went by in a daze. I suddenly had a baby on my hands. I took him to the vet, where the vet told me that he's a huge puppy. We think he'll grow up to be HUGE. He weighed in at 3.6 Kgs for a 40 day old pup. Then came the acclimatization phase.

This phase gave me some of the happiest days of my life. Axel is incredibly cute. As a result, he gets away with almost anything. He loves to chew fingers, feet and clothes (in that order). This is one unstoppable ball of fur and energy. Having said that, I do realize how important it is for Axel to learn that a human being is not a chew-toy. Axel seems to disagree for now, so I'll write more about this later. Other than that, Axel is very brave for his age. I took him around the town in my car and he loved that. He didn't even flinch at the lightning-thunder combo that was doing the rounds.

I'm taking him on daily walks where all the people who see Axel beg to pet him, and he's such a sweetheart with everyone. Of course, sometimes he looks at me and starts to yelp softly, at which point I need to extricate him from the army of hands that want to pet him. He's such a good pup...I'm finding it difficult to explain how much I love the little guy. I believe that he's bonding quite well with me. Just the other day, Axel was playing with my dad. When I turned tose leave, I banged my foot on the cupboard and it hurt like hell. I cried out a little bit and started hopping about on my other foot. Axel stopped playing and came running to me and gave me a lick. Needless to say, I melted like an ice-cream cone in hell.

I would wholeheartedly recommend a puppy being part of your life. The joy of coming home to someone who looks forward to seeing you as much as a dog does is indescribable. The simple moments spent together playing with him bring sunch peace and contentment to me. I could spend a whole day at home just watching Axel, and I would consider the day well spent. There is of course the mixed feeling of fear/concern/pride/jealousy/joy whenever he does anything. But Axel has made my life so much richer.

Apeksha told me once that every puppy has one master. I completely agree with her, for I doubt I could be this happy with any other puppy. I would however edit her statement to read, every person has one dog. For Axel is my friend, and his love is unconditional. I'm not his master, and he's certainly so much more than just a dog to me.

Avalon

2009-05-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

Petals in the hurricane, tender skin still bruised,

The breeze will whisper again of the azure blue,

Mud cannot stain the air, the innocence is might,

Shrinks away like the golden sun before the dark night,

Vindictive echoes still linger here, like emptiness in a cave,

Hearts are open doors, but here the angels cannot save,

What brings the light, in its wake brings the sorrow,

And the quietude of the darkness swallows,

Lonely paths do these broken feet take,

Like the song the mockingbird fakes,

The earth spreads forever like a bed of roses,

Wayward the soul, by unseen forces,

Long to be touched and beheld a while,

Need to forsake the truth and smile,

The waves seem to speak of those frozen times,

When you were broken for someone's crimes,

And though this rift will seem untrue,

Broken though you are, but I will fix you...

Everytime we move

2009-05-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

We as a species hold on to our narrow mind-set. The mind creates the illusion of order, so that we may not lose our sanity in the infinite vastness of it all. Somehow, this prevents our movement forwards...and for each step we take, we fall back by two.

Garden

Hear the silence of a golden bell,

Witness the colors that the blinded sell,

Taste the food of the empty air,

Watch the fall of the silent tear,

Abysmal sights for the fantastic mind,

Striving to move but still left behind,

A moment in time ripples across,

To the tune of a single grain tossed,

Infinitely do the waters glimmer,

As the future unfolds we feel the shiver,

The promise was a lie, and the lie a promise,

The gift of thought sanctified by death's kiss,

Inflicted the shadow upon the land we stand on,

Suffocated in the holds of the monstrous python,

The image of the ideal we hoped to achieve,

Now blurs and fades as we try to breathe,

And grip wildly on to the transient dreams,

Solicitous fate, now smoke it seems,

And at the edge of vision, share my sight,

Hold the body of Man, while the truth takes flight,

Fortune following the eternal question,

Was this progress, or my regression?

And blind, deaf and dumb we wander,

Back to the roots of the earthly mother...

The Black and White of things

2009-05-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Whenever I have faced a challenge, win or lose, I come out better. The sight of morning reminds us how important the night was, and the night makes us yearn for the light of day. Everything that tries to break us is an opportunity for us to rise above the ordinary. Pain and loss, reminds us about how precious some things were, and defeat makes us fight for victory.

Rebirth

When you can, walk away,

Drop the knife and forget the blade,

Maybe learn to fly today,

And let the memories slowly fade,

Forget the pain that proliferates,

Stop looking at the skies for signs again,

Forget the dark that obliterates,

And dare to dream of brighter days,

See your light and its infinite rays,

Don't stop to think of what you lose,

If you stand and begin to move,

And the hand that breaks your stride,

now blossoms into your pride,

For though we lose our strength to strive,

We push on through the eternal night,

And every single drop of hate,

Now withers away in front of fate,

And then you spread your angelic wings,

And rise to the skies on vermillion winds,

If not for my enemy, then what am I?

If not for sorrow, what's a smile?

Darker Nights I have known

2009-05-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

In my everyday life, I see so many who believe that meaning can be derived out of their work, out of the money they earn, out of the respect they garner, out of the cars they own and so on. On a bad day, the calamity seems unbearable to them. Somehow, only those a footstep away from death can truly appreciate what it means to be alive. I strive to gain the same prespective. I try to live each second. I try to do more than I can, for I'll never get this chance again. In this moment, I will ask those who knew him to remember M.K. Sunil (good friend and class-mate), who went before his time. Bro, you opened my eyes...

Darker Nights I have known

Death, be my lover tonight,

Carry my form, and hold me tight,

Feed on my dreams, and kill my hopes,

Blanket me in your blissful, heathen coat,

Extricate my emotions and keep me numb,

Till my body crumbles and my soul slumps,

And from the ash of my birth, I return,

A child of passion , now reason is burnt...

Emptiness, be my lover tonight,

Remove me, the unforeseen blight,

And return me to your velvet womb,

As my bones remain in my earthern tomb,

Elevate my forsaken, hollow soul,

To regions of the nether, where the damned fall,

And caress me in your serpentine hold,

I am now dust, where once I was gold...

Apocalyse

2009-05-02T07:58:00.000-07:00

War is the gift of ignorance. I cannot understand the minds that bend the will of man to war. The consequent death will mar, in my eyes, all victory and leave the soldiers as broken hollow shells. My ode to war...

Apocalyse

See me twisted, through the carnal glass,

This flesh is a shadow, of my spiritual cast,

Words do I rip, and souls I swallow,

Gaze into my eyes, for my heart is hollow,

Weapons birth me, the whore son of fate,

Families split apart, as I satiate,

the hunger of my hate, as I plunder,

Hark, hear the bodies torn asunder,

In dreams I live on, though I slumber now,

Raking the years, like the devil's plow,

Respect, though black, in my heart is bred,

Come son, lay your brother in bed,

For now his dreams are eternal, disturbed,

In nightmares he lives, forever numb,

Apocalypse,hear me now,

Before you arrive, listen for my shout,

The death knell of all that is Sacred,

and Man watches as his heart is bled...

In a world of words, a picture is abhorrent...

2009-05-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

I do one thing well, or so I belive. I write poems. It started off as just another way to occupy my time, but it turned into something which I believe in ardently. Words, and the power they contain. The effect words have had on my life is amazing to me.

As a kid, I remember getting punished every day as I did not possess the ability to be silent. I was always outspoken, and always loud. I found a lot of solace in words, venturing into writing at an early age. I can still remember how I got into the "cool kid" group...it involved being able to speak the bard!!! It used to be something of an oddity then, as most of us were sports jocks. People expected the normal jock behaviour. But I ventured into the intellectually challenging world of plays. dramas, books and so on. It was something I loved doing, and I still enjoy it to this day.

When we are dust, and the last memory of who we were fades from the human psyche, the most enduring bits will be the words you spoke and the lines you wrote. In this I believe whole-heartedly. With the above said, I present my library of poems.

Risen

Consummated, in the fires of loss,

Faceless, destined to roam as a ghost,

What was held in a moment of pretending,

Now rises up, to watch the sun descending,

Pain and grief remain in her eyes like liquid frost,

She hurts herself, to cope with the hated force,

Of a life promised, and snatched away,

In singlets of sorrow, it starts to fade,

And then he opens her eyes to see,

Things that are and could've been,

Unforseen, like wolves in snow,

The seed of tomorrow begins to grow,

And the leaves spread out to touch the velvet sun,

Rejoice,rejoice, the change has begun,

Promises kept and lost are forgotten,

Monsters seem her child, ill-begotten,

For tomorrow is indeed another day,

Mistakes of her past don't surface today,

Now shunned, now loved, now risen,

The rose blossoms in her vision...

A drop of sound in an ocean of silence

2009-04-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

Art is the ultimate human ability. I am fascinated by the ability of certain people to create something beautiful out of nothing. I do not talk here of artists who merely reproduce an existing image. I speak of true artists who create meaning from abstraction.

Recently, I was visited by the urge to create something. My talent is sadly limited to my words. I am completely tone-deaf and my art makes me look like I have hand-eye co-ordination issues. Keeping the aforementioned in mind, I nevertheless decided to try my hand at charcoal art. The below is my contribution to the wonderful world of art.

The first one is my favourite. This one came out free and without design. The image is of a tree, but there are a bunch of people trying to ascend the tree. But on one of its branches hangs a silhouette, which looks suspiciously like a hanging man. Then of course there is the imagery of a concerned eye looking on the futile attempts of the people. I have an idea of what this represents. What do you think it shows?

The second one is also something real. I named it "Duality". And once again, I have no idea why. This again is something that came out free and without structure. The abstraction here being that of a woman torn between worlds. On one side is the comfort of the familiar - the routine that we grow into, the people who we deem are necessary, the world which we decide we cannot do without. On the other side is the unknown realm of non-conformism - the dark abyss without the safety net, the utter desolation of loneliness, the silent growth into knowing oneself truly and without boundary. Once again, I would love to hear your take on it, for I'm learning this myself.

Evolution is the sum of its failures...

2009-04-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

Today morning I opened the paper to read the above article. Long story short, boy dies bungee jumping. What makes this something for me to pay attention to is that I truly believe I could've been that boy.

One of my friends had spotted this bungee thing about 4 weeks before this kid died. He was absolutely insistent that we all go for it. When I was asked about it, I immediately knew that this is something that I will NOT do. Here's how my life goes.

a) I percieve options.

b) My gut leaps with joy or sinks with doubt

c) I immediately follow my gut-instinct

I have seen the hand of destiny work around me so close, that the last thing I will do is disregard it. I have had so many personal miracles work for me that it is difficult for me to believe that the universe does not have a design. Life works out best when your life is in sync with the flow of the universe around you.

The signs are quite vivid. We choose to ignore or see the signs. The ability to see your action as a seperate person (or a third person) is a powerful skill. Ancient japanese warriors were capable of a discipline where when they enter battle, they were able to see their actions as a third person - devoid of ego, devoid of distraction and devoid of fear. The mind evolves long before the body begins to see the need to. The mind can see the hidden print - when I see a bungee jumping crane, I can see the points of failure. When my mind is not comfortable with the various scenarios that have already been played out in my thoughts, it signals doubt in the form of a physical reaction. This reaction is what I call gut instinct.

The will to survive is an amazing force within the human psyche. If you feel an overwhelming fear which you have no explanation to, I suggest you rethink what you are going to do. 9 times out of 10, that fear is your mind highlighting points of failure in your future course of action.

Sudden darkness

2009-04-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

April 10 - Today I write with a bit of a heavy heart. I woke up from a livid dream that had me questioning reality for a while. The dream disturbed me because I was broken morally within my dream. Then I got out of bed all groggy and when I got out of my bedroom, my brother was sitting in the living room.

"The 6 year old girl who lives two floors above us died. She vomited and in the process, she collapsed and did not rise after that. She died today morning".

My brother is blessed with bad timing. His words were disturbing to me, essentially as a death happened two floors above my house. The deceased was a child. What was even more disturbing to me is that I could not really care enough. I didn't know the child.

When I express the above fact, I get angry glances and pained expressions. I do not apologize. Proximity does not mean I should feel bad. Millions die...many through much worse methods. Some die alone in a gutter, some starve, some are raped, some through hazardous work conditions. Millions die.

I felt bad that a child had to die. And the emptiness of the world in front me seemed to be symbolic of the sadness I felt. Unfortunately, we still believe in a closed box. I mourn for the parents. I wonder how they'll sleep tonight. Life is so very fragile, like a spider's web. But the embers of a fading light have a beauty all its own. I still refuse to believe that this is all there is to life.

Born to be wild

2009-04-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

On April 9th, 2009, me and my boys (Sujith and Prashanth) decided to hit Hard Rock Cafe after work. The plan to get wasted on good ol' rock and get drowned in brew. Hard Rock Bangalore is one of the most trippy and awesome joints in town - if anyone's visiting Bangalore, or if you haven't been here yet, visit!!! HRC never disappoints.

What was really awesome this time around was that there was a live band performing. The name of the band is "Low Level Flight". They're a canadian band and I will definitely recommend that you give them a listen. We had no idea that a band was playing and we were just rocking along to their excellent music. The vibes were awesome, the crowd was cool, the band was belting out some good ol' original Rock and yours truly was well on his way to getting wasted.

Then the band took a break and we went up to the Bass Guitarist to get some more info on the band. The Bass Guitarist was Ryan, and he was the nicest rocker you could imagine man!!! Dude was all happy to be touring India (Bangalore and Pune being the highlights of his tour so far). During the course of our conversation, we exchanged mementos - I gave him the Afghani scarf you see around his neck and he gave me his Guitar Strap.

Then the band went back to playing some more numbers for the crowd (which consisted of these interesting chicks from Amsterdam and this bevy of Lebanese ladies, who were keeping the crowd split between them and the band). When the band finished playing they met up with us again. This time, we got the band into my car and all of us went to the opening of this new club on McGrath road called "Geist". Another club that I'm gonna recommend, however it did look a bit pricey.

Unfortunately our new friends had a 2 am flight back to Canada - but the whole experience of hanging out with true musicians and more importantly, rockers, gave me a whole new perspective on life. These guys have fun...bottom line. They love making music, they totally dig performing, they appreciate the fans, the touring rocks etc.

And thats why they're good at it. They do it cuz they love it. How about you? Are you doing what you love?

Living life in 3 seconds

2009-04-09T04:26:00.001-07:00

Now here's something really close to my heart. The absolute freedom one experiences when trying out something new with their car.

I just saw the latest installment of "The Fast and the Furious". Damn I love this movie. It's not about being the king stud of all time and driving tricked out cars (I drive a Hyundai, FYI). It's about being in the moment.

After I left the theatre, I felt like I'm letting something slip by me. I felt a bit restricted, a bit chained. As I got near my house, I let it all go in 3 seconds of pure "Pace-rush".

We were moving at about 60-65, and I swerved the car into a hard right turn. The car executed a flawless slide...right towards an oncoming bus on the other side.

In those few seconds, I felt the impulse, executed something wild, enjoyed the slide, feared the possibility of the crash, anxiety that the slide would be too long...and then, the tyres dug hard into the road and screeched into the right lane. In the picture, try to see if you can identify the L shape of the burnt rubber.

I believe in living in the moment. The past is over and the future is fiction. Only the moment is real, only the moment is true, only in the moment do we really exist.

Bittersweet Moment

2009-04-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

"Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life,Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah

No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change, but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold

But I'm a million different people from one day to the next

I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no"

Brilliant song, relevant lyrics and trippy video. I can relate to this song to some level, however I am thankfully not lost in the money-madness yet. I do feel that everything that is active today is in an effort to produce more money. The definition or the meaning of life, whatever you may call it, is a bit diluted today. I'm sitting at my desk at office today, and I'm happy. Not because this job gives me money (which it does), but because the people around me contribute to the elevation of my quality of life.

The simple things, like a stupid joke which no-one gets but everyone laughs at, the debate regarding who knows what better, the testosterone laden discussions about who's got the best car and why, which is the most killer music system - money can't buy that. At least not yet.

The Start

2009-04-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

"Everything that is, began as a reason as to why it could never be"

I like to begin on a positive note, and what better way than to start by acknowledging that my view on life is different enough for you, the reader, to decide to never come back.

Through this blog, I hope you will be a witness to the sights I see, the people I meet, the words I hear and the way I feel.

And with that begins my little experiment with words...